Stephy Rambles About Tales From Mos Eisley Cantina Book

Tales From Mos Eisley Cantina

Just a heads up - I took notes on my phone while I read this book, then just put my notes on here with some edits. My phone kept autocorrecting "droid" to "druid". So, if I missed fixing one, let me know. Also, some little summaries are more detailed than others. Deal with it. I had more thoughts for some stories than other ones.

"We Don't Do Weddings: The Bands Tale" by Kathy Tyers

Can we just take a moment for the fact that the band's name is Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes and they play jizz music? Let my pre-teen sense of humor giggle about that for a minute….

Okay. Done with that.

Story is about the band that plays in the Cantina. Originally they had a contract with Jabba, then Figrin agrees to play Lady Valarian's wedding. She is Jabba's chief rival on Tatooine. So, that should end horribly.

Spoiler - it ended horribly. The bride and groom got into a fight. The band barely escaped, and then they got stuck playing at the Cantina trying to make enough money to leave Tatooine.

"A Hunter's Fate: Greedo's Tale" by Tom Veitch and Martha Veitch

Greedo's family and some others escaped Rodia after some shit went down. They end up on some nice peaceful jungle planet and live fine. For, like, 12 years. And then the Rodians they left Rodia because of found them. So… off to Nar Shaddaa. Which, for those unfamiliar with the planets of Star Wars that weren't obviously shown in the movies, Nar Shaddaa is like if Mos Eisley Cantina was an entire planet. Lots of scum and villainy.

Greedo meets some bounty hunters on Nar Shaddaa. One of which is described as "obviously an intelligent species of bird – or descended from birds." So that dude is now Big Bird in my head. Greedo travels with these bounty hunters to Tatooine. Where we all know what happened there.

I almost feel sorry for Greedo. He was just a kid who wanted to be a bounty hunter and got betrayed in the end.

"Hammertong: The Tale of the "Tonnika Sisters"" by Timothy Zahn

I was never a huge fan of this story. Not sure why or if there is a reason. But every time I read this book it is a chore to get through this story.

It's not a bad story. Honestly it's pretty good. Two women are pretending to be the Tonnika Sisters so they can hire a smuggler to get themselves and a piece of equipment they stole from the Empire off Tatooine. *whispers* they stole a bit of the Death Star.

I think my issue was that I was expecting a story about the actual Tonnika sisters, who are thieves. I wanted some Catwoman-level thievery, but that wasn't what I got. But this one is still good.

"Play It Again, Figrin D'an: The Tale of Muftak and Kabe" by A.C. Crispin

Kabe is a baby and just wants her juri juice! Wait. What is juri juice? *looks it up* Booze. It's booze.

What race is Muftak? They showed up in an episode or so of The Clone Wars and I loved them. It's fine. Muftak doesn't know what he is either. Just a big ol' space polar bear…

He's a Talz!

Anyway! Kabe is a thief, Muftak is… well… he's not a thief. He mostly just sells information to people and keeps Kabe out of trouble. And they decide to rob Jabba's town house. Which… probably not a great idea… But, Muftak wants off Tatooine and they need the credits.

"The Sand Tender: The Hammerhead's Tale" by Dave Wolverton

Momaw Nadon is a spy for the Rebellion. And because of an Imperial named Alima, has been exiled from his home planet.

Momaw has a little garden of plants. One of which is a talking tree. That tree needs to shut the fuck up and let Nadon kill that Imperial. Asshole deserves Death.

"Be Still My Heart: The Bartender's Tale" by David Bischoff

This droid includes aspects of both R2 and protocols droids, and their specialty includes "meal preparation, catalytic fuel conversion, enzymatic composition breakdown, chemical diagnostic programming, and bacterial composting acceleration." They are also "an excellent blender, toaster over, and bang-corn air popper. And can whip up an extraordinary meal from everyday garbage." Where I can I find me one of those?

This story does explain Wuher (the bartender)'s hatred for droids. Basically, he was treated like shit and droids are the only things he can treat like shit. Chalmun (the wookie that owns the cantina) doesn't want druids in the cantina because they don't drink so are wasting space.

Dr. Evazan is just dropping his "wanted on 12 systems" shit just randomly in conversations…

Wuher is a little obsessed with Greedo's scent. For reasons *shifty eyes* not gonna spoil that bit.

"Nightlily: The Lovers' Tale" by Barbara Hambly

trigger warning

a whole bunch of sexism and use of a date rape drug.

Feltipern Trevagg is a gotal. Which, kind of looks like a goat man… with a gorilla face. For reference. Anywho! Gotals can feel emotions through those horns of theirs. And somehow, Felt here feels Obi Wan (well, a jedi) in Mos Eisley. And, as a hunter, he's gonna find Ol' Ben and let the Empire know. For the dolla dolla billz.

A lady - M'iiyoom Onith (Star Wars names, man) - needs Felt's help with a tax issue. Yeah. Felt is a tax man. As in, he raises and comes up with taxes then giggles when people can't pay. Anyway, M'iiyoom shows up and Felt falls in love. Oh. It's a kissing story!

*whispers* It wasn't a kissing story and Felt got what he deserved.

I will leave you with an old Ithorian proverb - N'ygyng mth'une vned 'isobec' k'chuv 'ysobek' loosely translated means "the word for 'love' in one language is the word for 'dinner' in others

"Empire Blues: The Devaronian's Tale" by Daniel Keys Moran

This fella is a war criminal sort of. Going by Labria which I might or might not have misread as Labia more than once… He is also known as Butcher of Montellian Serat. And he's a music nerd.

Dude pretty much manipulates everything to get Figrin D'an to play at the Cantina. He goes to Lady Val and convinces her to get them to play her wedding. He told Jabba that they were playing the wedding so Jabba would retaliate. He had Wuher go to the wedding and offer the band a job playing at the Cantina.

End note: I am pretty sure there is a story out there where Boba Fett goes after this guy and has to sit in the mud in his underwear. I swear I remember reading that story and it wasn't fan-fiction.

"Swap Meet: The Jawa's Tale" by Kevin J. Anderson

Het Nkik is a Jawa that has crazy ideas. Crazy! He thinks Jawas are weak because they choose to be. Which… little fella might be right. But the other Jawas think he is bantha-shit crazy.

The story opens with Het Nkik and his fellow Jawas arriving at a yearly swap Meet among all the jawas of Tatooine.

Oh! Apparently Het here fixed up the assassin/messenger Droid that shows up in the Figrin D'an story. Neat.

Anyway, one of the sandcrawlers doesn't make it to the swap Meet. Three guess what happened to them… other jawas think it might have been Tusken Raiders, as they attacked another group of Jawas. So little Het buys himself a blaster…

Het's group of Jawas find the missing Sandcrawler. Where they find the dead jawas and Obi-Wan. Who gives a bit of a motivational speech. Which is probably going to end badly, but keep up those pep talks Obi-Wan. One might work out for you.

"Trade Wins: The Ranat's Tale" by Rebecca Moesta

This one is almost a sort of companion piece to the previous story. The Ranant (who's name is either never mentioned or I forgot to take note of...) that traded with Het Nkik is the focus of this story. And it is basically just a retelling of the meeting from their point of view.

Rude little ranant stole from poor Het Nkik.

"When the Desert Wind Turns: The Stormtrooper's Tale" by Doug Beason

This is about Davin Felth - He’s the “Look sir, droids!” stormtrooper.

The story opens with Davin arriving for training on Carida. Which is apparently hell. At one point he gets sent for AT-AT training. Which he is super excited about. I understand. I wanna drive one of those things. Davin is a smart boy who figures out that there is a chance that fighters could trip up an AT-AT. As a reward for discovering this slight flaw, he gets shipped off to Tatooine. As a stormtrooper, not an AT-AT operator.

Davin began having some doubts as his troop of Stormtroopers killed the group of jawas that sold Artoo and Threepio to Luke and Owen. And then Owen and Beru. Davin is not enjoying his job at this point.

In the end Davin realizes that the Empire is evil and he will become a spy for the Rebellion. Good on him. I mean, he’ll probably die at some point, but good on him.

"Soup’s On: The Pipe Smoker’s Tale" by Jennifer Roberson

Dannik Jerriko is an Anzat, which are basically space vampires? I dunno. He's also an assassin.

This whole story sort of confused me. Dude keeps talking about drinking people's soup. Which I don't think was explained… I should probably look that up but seriously I am bored of reading "soup, such soup" and the like. Story was kind of boring honestly. I complained about the Tonnika sisters' story, but I forgot about this one. That one was a delight. This one is a chore to get through...

"At the Crossroads: The Spacer's Tale" by Jerry Oltion

This is about BoShek, he's the dude Obi-Wan talks to before talking to Chewbacca.

Also seems like the dude has some talent in the Force. Obi Wan offers to talk about that when he gets back to Tatooine. Hope that dude isn't still waiting…

"Doctor Death: The Tale of Dr. Evazan and Ponda Baba" by Kenneth C. Flint

Remember the guy that was wanted in 12 systems and his buddy that lost an arm cause Obi-Wan has a thing for slicing off people's limbs? Yeah. That's these guys. This takes place after the events in A New Hope.

Dr. E needs a "Young, strong, healthy, perfectly formed" human man. Little creepy, but okay.

It's a mind-swapping story, y'all… And it does not end well for anyone, really

"Drawing the Maps of Peace: The Moisture Farmer's Tale" by M. Shayne Bell

Ariq Joanson is a moisture farmer, the furthest farm out. And he gets the idea to make peace with the Jawa and the Sand People. Spoiler - lots of people do not like his idea During a wedding, adolescent Sand People show up, a dude gets killed and his new wife gets taken. So Ariq is off to save her. Then,. Imperial stormtroopers show up and ruin it all. Dude decides he's going to join the Rebellion cause the Empire is a bunch of dicks.

"One Last Night In the Mos Eisley Cantina: The Tale of the Wolfman and the Lamproid" by Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Okay. This one is more amusing to me if I just leave the notes I took instead of making them into some sort of cohesive thing. Enjoy!

Lak Sivrak and Dice Ibegon

What the hell? We're at the Battle of Endor?

Is this Wolfman time traveling? Having visions? What?! I am confused…

What is a Florn lamproid? I forget… *looks it up* AAAAHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S A MONSTER! AND ACCORDING TO THIS STORY THAT THING IS GONNA FUCK A WOLFMAN! AAAAHHHH!

DON'T HISS SEDUCTIVELY! I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

THEY'RE KISSING!

"her ringed teeth that were never again to know the bliss of shredded flesh." Ah. Such bliss.

Oh. That was actually a really nice love story…

End thoughts?

Greedo's smell is mentioned constantly. So weird. It is brought up every time Greedo shows up in a story, I think.

Almost all of the stories take place before and during A New Hope.  All but the Dr. E and Ponda one go through what is shown in the movie. And how others react.

So many rebel agents were just hanging out on Tatooine. I think there were about seven or eight rebel agents just there. And a few characters decided to join the Rebellion by the end of their story.

I always enjoyed these books. Tales From Jabba's Palace (which I reviewed here), Tales From Mos Eisley Cantina, Tales of the Bounty Hunters. All were great and always fun reads. I highly recommend this to Star Wars fans. Just remember, this isn't canon. And Florn lamproids are monsters... but monsters that deserve love.

That's all for this week. See y'all next Wednesday 👋🏻