Howdy. It's been awhile. My bad. I kept showing up at work and doing my job to the best of my ability and now I'm the assistant manager of the deli/bakery. No idea how that happened... So yeah...
But that's not what I'm rambling about today. Today I'm going to ramble (rant...) about this book I just finished reading that made me want to scream.
The book was Dance With the Dead by H.P. Mallory and J.R. Rain. I got it for free on the Kindle. And I paid too much. I would like a refund please.
Okay. Let me tell you about this book.
Gwen can see ghosts. And she has this ghost companion, Petra. And she is going to solve a murder mystery. All of this sounds like a perfect read for me. Which might be why I was so disappointed...
After breaking up with her boyfriend, Gwen decides she is going to move to some village in England that she visited once as a child (and picked up her ghostly companion). Darling, that is not how you get over a break-up. That is how you go into debt. You moved half-way across the world to a place you spent a week at when you were a child. No.
But that's what she did. And she bought a cottage that had a name (y'all, do all little English cottages have names? Is this a normal thing? Can I name my house?). The previous resident of the cottage recently (as in... a month ago?) died. Fell down some stairs. And Gwen sees her ghost. And oh my! It looks like she was pushed! Time to solve a murder! It'll be fine, because she's a mystery writer. She knows how to solve mysteries! Or wait... was she a mystery writer or just a writer? I can't remember. Either way, she's going to solve a mystery!
One of her first nights in the village, Gwen goes to the local pub and meets two men. She only talks to these two men. Leo, a blacksmith and Bastian, a rich fuckboy. Leo is around Gwen's age (which is 42. This is repeated often... too often, it feels), while Bastian is, like, in his 20s? There is an age gap. She chats with Leo, feels a spark of interest for and from him. And then Bastian flirts with her while he is on a date with another woman. Oh, he is a cad! But you know what, at least he's honest. I guess. I don't know. I hate them all.
After seeing the ghost of the former resident (Victoria, her name was Victoria), Gwen swears the ghost pointed into the kitchen, so she searches and finds some random bits of metal that oh! Leo would probably know what this is! So off to the blacksmith shop! And, after Leo explains whatever it was she found, he suggests they go visit Victoria's friend Joanne. Joann? I can't remember how it's spelled. I'll go with Joann... Anyway! So off they go to question a lady about her recently dead friend. As one does.
Now, here is the part where I mentally gave up on enjoying this book. Gwen and Leo are walking to Joann's and he is like "Yeah, she lives this way." And Gwen is like "Why can't we go through this field? Walking along the road is so much longer! I am so tired!" And Leo says they can't go through the field because there is a bull in the field. But Gwen persists and they go through the field.
Shockingly, what you think is going to happen, does not happen... This time.
They get to Joann's and ask her about Victoria and they learn that Victoria didn't talk about her life before moving to the village at all really. But, Joann thinks she had a man visiting her one night. How does she know this? Because Joann saw a man's silhouette through the window one night. Whatchu doing looking through people's windows, Joann? Creeper.
Now is where that thing happens that you thought was going to happen. Shocking.
After Leo and Gwen escape the bull, she kisses him and he's like "Oh, I'm married." Which results in Gwen having a bit of a breakdown. She goes to the pub again (which, I just remembered she hurt her ankle running from the bull, hurt it bad enough that she had to have Leo help her walk, but... Apparently it was just a couple hours ankle injury... Whatever). Bastian is also at the pub.
They fuck. Not at the pub. They go back to Gwen's and fuck there.
Then Ghost Victoria wakes her up and basically leads her dumbass to the fridge and there is where Gwen finds a condom wrapper. The same condoms that Bastian uses!
And... That's it. That's the book.
And where was Petra? Why didn't I mention her aside from that introduction? Cause she was barely there. She occasionally showed up to make some comment about Gwen not being "proper" or whatever and then she fucked right off. So a big reason I was interested in this book was barely there.
And the mystery? Yeah, that took a backseat to Gwen pining over Leo and fucking Bastian. I am all for women in fiction being sexual. And I can understand her reasoning for sleeping with Bastian. But she has known these people less than a week. She talked to both of them once before kissing one and fucking the other.
Also, this line:
"I hadn't yet reached an age at which I was ready for slippers."
What in the actual fuck does that mean? Seriously. I'm confused. Is this bitch trying to say that slippers are only for old people, and she is only 42? Fuck you. Slippers are awesome.
And that was a book I read. And hated. One star. And it only gets that because the premise is cool. I mean, a cozy mystery who's main character is a woman who sees ghosts seems fun. But... Whole thing fell flat. I didn't feel a thing for any of the characters. That is wrong. I felt something. Rage mostly.
